I realise that my illness has got a few people worried, especially that they wouldn’t know whether it’s something that they’ve got hiding away. So here’s an unofficial guide to testicular cancer screening.

Dear all the men out there, especially those between 16 and 35. Your balls matter, and there’s a tiny chance that they will get overexcited at some point and the cells will multiply too quickly. DON’T PANIC. It’s very curable, and easy to spot.

At the moment you hopefully have two testicles. You’ve had them since you were a little boy, even if you didn’t know what they were for. You may have named them, you may have a favourite, you might even have touched them at some point. Some people report^{[citation needed]} that this is a pleasurable activity. Regardless of that, you should make sure they’re behaving themselves. Take one in each hand and give them a gentle squeeze. They should feel firm but with a little softness. Most importantly they should feel the same. Check them out carefully and systematically. It’s not rocket science, compare the two and see whether they feel uniform and equivalent. IF THEY FEEL DIFFERENT THEN GET THEM CHECKED OUT. Congratulations, you’re now qualified. Repeat this procedure every couple of weeks.

For more professional information, check out Macmillan Cancer Support